Enough of an introduction. It’s time to start really running-with-wheels-on-our-shoes.
Needless to say this was not the most straightforward of exercises. I had to put on the special shoes (with the wheels on) and then try and stand up and run. It’s not really like running at all, it turns out, but the end result is the same - you get somewhere faster than walking, and a bit out of breath.

That said, there are many shortfalls (and some quite painful ones, too, but we’ll skip over those. Let’s just say I was lucky I had my helmet on.) Number one - you can’t stop. Number 2 - it’s dreadful on anything but the smoothest surfaces. Number 2b - it’s USELESS on grass Number 3 - you have to carry your shoes with you in case you need to do anything when you get where you’re going.

My verdict? A waste of time. Seriously. Just run. Ever tried carrying a 6ft sword while using shoes-with-wheels-on? Not worth it. Especially when you have to carry your saucony running shoes too.

The Police are one of my biggest hassles by far, it simply must be said. Every day I bump in to them, and every day they tell me that I must leave the sword at home, for it represents a danger to the general public who do not wear armour such as I do. “But it is part of me!” I declare to them each and every time. “I would not ask you to leave your leg at home, would I kind sir?”

They always look at one another in a mysterious way and then turn to me and say, “OK, but please, do be careful with where you point that thing–maybe get a guard or a storage unit for it or something.”

And I say “I would get a guard, kind sir, but alas there are few vikings among us nowadays. I doubt whether they could justify producing just one guard for my single sword.”

The supermarket is another grave place where a modern-day viking must be watchful at all times. Several times I have accidentally stabbed people with the end of my sword completely unknowingly. Once or twice I have also cut apples into several pieces entirely by accident, but that was nothing compared to the time I undid a man’s flies accidentally with the end of my sword.

How he had a lucky escape!

It is both limiting and liberating to be a modern day Viking. It is limiting because I do not get to live the life of the noble savage that was glorified by my ancestors. It is liberating, because today there exist more opportunities for someone with an adventurous spirit and fearless mien.

Sometimes, I hark back to the bygone days when there were no morals or restrictions (or for that matter, complicated and confounding things like laser hair removal cheshire). I could have seduced beautiful women by just tossing them over my shoulders and carrying them away with me. But today, I have to be gallant or gentlemanly in order to win female attention. I have to measure my words for I cannot come across as too boorish or aggressive.

Modern technology like the internet does come in handy especially when I am trying to meet women. There are so many dating sites where I can shed my polite exterior, express my true Viking self, and yet attract women.

I used to be suspicious of new fangled technology because I thought I would be at a disadvantage. But, when I discovered that there are women out there who appreciate vigor, audacity and daring in their men, I lost my wariness. To convey tender emotions is not the job of a real man.

It is easy to become used to a comfortable and lazy life. I can press a few buttons and acquire anything I want. Internet shopping has really made pillaging and looting quite unnecessary. The challenge and the glory of accomplishing a successful raid are missing but there is really no need to slaughter or burn in order to raise my status in society.

If I need the adrenaline rush or the approval of my fellow Vikings, I just head to the nearby pub, down a few drinks, and take off on my favorite cruiser. I have my sailing yacht for the days when the call of the sea becomes too hard to resist. I go sky diving, mountain biking, or revolution karting to satisfy my venturesome Viking heart.

Only this modern age is hard for a viking, you know. Take finding a female to mate with, for example. In my father’s day it was perfectly acceptable to just waltz in to a public house with a sword, decapitate a fellow who had a fine female on his arm, and drag the female home for a night of viking pleasure and wine (before a comfortable if tense marriage ceremony). But nowadays this kind of behaviour can get a viking in big trouble. Indeed, the bars of the “prison cells”are so thick that not even my thousand year-old traditional viking family sword is capable of cutting through.

If only my father could be here now and see the challenges that confront a modern day viking! I fear that he would not last a single minute! Much less be able to comprehand the silly things modern people advertise for such as laser hair removal brighton!

One of the other problems a viking man of any stature encounters on a day to modern-day basis is where to leave ones sword. When walking in to a public house, for example, a sword can be mighty cumbersome, and is better out down out of harms way. There are cloak rooms for coats and places to put bags, yes, but as soon as a sword is so much as mentioned a bizarre feeling of fear and anxiety seems to cast a spell across all within the public house. Once upon a time I was even told to take my suit of viking armour and leave the place–and to stick my precious sword where the sun doth not permeate!

When a viking wants to communicate with other vikings – to say “would you like a fine drink of beer this evening and to discuss the finer points of viking life”– he simple screams the loudest man-scream that has ever been heard from his residential window. Of course, amongst the hustle and bustle of the modern Big Smoke a man-scream that would have been considered frightful and extremely manly back in the good old viking days is now considered to be weak and pathetic; it is barely heard. Indeed it is beaten in to submission by the sounds of the dreadful traffic and people around it, and it can make a viking loose his self-esteem in an instant. So there is only one thing for it. A megaphone must be used. There is simply no other choice.

The only issue with this is that many of the regular non-viking human beings of the Big Smoke do not greatly appreciate these manly cries of essential communication. Especially very early in the morning and late at night. My neighbour, for example, will often shout “will you please bloody well be quiet you lunatic?”and of course I will answer most politely and with honesty: “No, of course I will not. Don’t you understand that a viking has to have principles?”

The argument is usually over swiftly following me showing him how sharp my sword is and noting how it has cut a hundred heads off for less.

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